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Monday, April 29, 2013

Beware the Bridge Ladies

All the way from the Great North Canada to a Salvation Army thrift store in the Hessville part of Hammond, IN, the books from the bridge ladies have been illegally in this country, none the worse for the wear. People have shopped the dead person stuff's store without so much of a glance over the years. While they grin on and wait. I call it the Dead Person Stuff's store because when my father passed two years ago, we cleaned and took dozens of bags to this same particular store. Would it creep any out of I saw a few of these clothes still there a few visits ago?  My friend went to this store in a blizzard and this is what was given to me.

Apparently the Bridge Ladies are a popular bunch up north. They play their WASP-y card game, nibble on sandwich loaf, aspic, sippers of chicken broth, curries, newbergs, pretty much all retro food I have written about. They talk bad about their men, think they are above and beyond the world, nonchalant superMoms, etc.They even dress the same. After reading the anecdotes in the book, I had to decide what my state of mind was before continuing. I could have been a man hater, and went with that. I could have been just being a bitch and that would have worked. Instead my mood is neutral

Well, I won't amuse you too much with the intro. Just be warned there are two more books in my possession and many more available on ebay. I haven't decided how far I want to take this. How much more damage these catty women can inflict upon the world.

P.S. I don't play bridge. I'm not part of their world so when their world enters mine, this is what happens.

The Best of Bridge: Royal Treats For Entertaining, 1980. Now this is a book that smuggled itself across the Canadian border and found itself hiding in a Hessville Salvation Army. It's been through a lot.
I'm muddled. How many times did it take to come up with these words?
The Bridge Ladies. This is a group of hens you don't want to mess with. Down to the matching polka dot red pinafore, to the identical poufy mushroom hairdos, just stand back and let these ladies run the show. I don't know if I want to be part of a group that wears handsewn matching pinafores. I don't know how to play Bridge so I'm moot. I spy a yellow book..Tempting.

There's no intro. There's no foreward. Instead there is a "Forewarning"

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Daddy's got this. That's what the gist of this forewarning is. Daddy's taking the kids and the mothers are seeking refuge in the cottage. Really, who doesn't have a retreat cottage? If I had a cottage, I would bring sandwich loaf and several Kim Doppelgangers to the cottage to play cards and man bash. Or would I?
Oooh, the rules. You must have 8 ladies in qutation marks who had no kids, dogs, a killer instinct and can count to 40. She better be hungry too. Respect the 3 drink rule, don't snarl, use expletives, talk about the kids you might be missing, no candy that might alter your sandwich loaf taste, and don't be on a diet. But you best be sure that you laugh it up and perk the Sanka.Yay for the decaf instant! We are gonna have a ball!!!
Yeah basically, people change in their bodily structure as they age. Get over it. It's not like you are pert and perty either. Your cargo is probably scraping the ground.
Um, no but I see a lot of that while watching construction workers when I am stuck at the lights or stuck in construction traffic.
Right because we all like to carry purses. I see what you did there fool. If you want something for your money, but a purse. Hahahaha. LAME!!!
Just prolong the inevitable. Brilliant. Not only she is going to hate herself for whatever she did, but she's probably not going to be happy about sleeping her day away.
Stop it right there! There's no happiness in getting up at 3:00 to feed a baby. Why would I want my own bottle? Would it be alcohol? Would I be so sleep deprived that I mix them up? Happiness is knowing you are no longer going to have any babies and have no reason to be up at 3:00 am to feed a baby.
Alright, I'm going to call the bullshit on this one. Candy isn't in 15 cent bards. Nor does it come in $5.00 boxes unless you are cheap and you get the kid that is full of strange nougat and nuts.
I guess I need to be there to understand what these Bridge Psychos Ladies are saying. So I am merely a rag, a bone, and a hank of hair. Are these women trying their voodoo? What do they do at this cottage? Yikes.
And I interrupt the stupid Bridge Ladies anectdotes to bring you my first food of the post. Seafood Scallop Shells. These women need to taste it first. I don't want to be like them. 
Yes, SOB! These ladies know what they are saying. I'm comparing my married life to that of festering in a bathtub. It surely is that superficial.
If you have half a mind to get married, don't do it! That's all it takes! RUN! RUN! RUN!!!!!
What I want for these pinafore clad dorks is that none of this applies to my life and I've been married to a serviceman for almost 8 years. Most of the time, he doesn't act like he's in the military and if I saw mine making a bed, I would keel over at his feet.
We're supposed to vacuum under chairs? No wonder my husband does the Captain Morgan pose every night
Curried Chicken Boats. You can tell we quite aren't out of the 1970s but we are getting there slowly.
We have a rule in this house. If I cook, he cleans up. If he cooks, he cleans up.
In other words, if it kills you. That's the too late part of eating a mushroom
How about we be real and know that people who marry that old are probably the most fortunate to spend their last few years on this earth with someone they love. Instead of being assholes, let's just blow bubbles and be glad this man and woman found each other.
And how'd that work out for you? I don't look back at 1980 and think of those being the good old days. Sure, I was only 6 years old, but even then I know those weren't the good old days.
Hopefully this husband ran far, far, away from this mean bitch. I bet if he forgot to bring breakfast in bed, he would end up in the hospital.
What in the hell does this even mean?

I'm going to end it here. Please know that I had dozens more but these are so corny that it hurts my brain! You know the Bridge Ladies will resurface!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013


Hello strangers! I know it's been a while since I have posted and if you follow my FB page, I have been keeping up with that. Over the past few weeks a lot has happened on an international and personal level. Here are my excuses reasons for not posting an update:

--I had a blown out of proportion health scare. In that sense, it was mostly me worrying there was more wrong with me than there was but it was enough to cause undue stress to me and those around me. More for those around me. I don't get sick often and I don't have things happen often and having lost my mother when she was 37 to colon cancer, every ache and pain I get is a self perceived death sentence.

--I took my daughter to see Jersey Boys. F-ck yeah! That is the only musical I like. Really, I am absolutely NOT into musicals. I'm more of a hard rock/heavy metal kind of person believe it or not. I bet that's the only time someone has said "F-ck yeah" when describing Jersey Boys.

--I went out of town for a few days. It's something I like to do every few months.

--I'm too old to go out of town for a few days. I had to recover. I don't know why I was so exhausted. I'm 38 and hardly an inexperienced traveler.

--Boston and Texas happened. I don't think anyone wanted me to be funny and even though I didn't turn on the news to see what was going on because I didn't want to watch the media pundits tripping over themselves and making them look like even more jackasses than they are. Apparently I was not to be disappointed.

--Most importantly, I had the BIGGEST case of writer's block. I could not think of anything to write about. That happens to me once in a blue moon. I looked through my books, tabbed my books, and thought of what I could do with what I had, but my mind was totally impotent and devoid of ideas. I could have presented a half assed blog entry with a few remarks about beefy turd food or some molds, but I would be doing all of us a disservice. 

Forgive me? It won't happen again. I think my brain is firing the way it should be (or shouldn't be for those who think my imagination is just crazy)

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. That all was way to serious for a silly little blog that that I've only poured my heart and soul into for nearly a year. I'm still going through the Family Circle Illustrated Library of Cooking, 1972. This time it's Volume 15, sod-ste. 

Soda Fountain Sensations: Ice Creams and Ices, Sodas, Shakes, and Sundaes. I included very little from this section because even though I can easily ruin a food group for others, I'm not playing around with my daggum ice cream. 

Soup Kettle: Thick and Thin, Hot and Cold, Instant and Old Fashioned. I never thought there would be anything to satirize about soup, but happily I found a few relevant pieces of info.

Steaks and Chops: Luxurious and Budget Cuts-A Collection of the Very Best Recipes. This is all a matter of opinion based on Family Circle's attempt to peddle their books. If the best steak recipe ever made, came out of one of these books, please let me know!

If the description is in quote--eh you know the rest. It came from the book and not me. I just expounded upon the description. 

Family Circle Illustrated Library of Cooking, 1972. Volume 15 Sod-Ste. Sodste. Another made up word that wasn't intended to be a word.
So many questions, so few answers. And this is one of those scans that could not be straightened out no matter how I tried. Really, that is a lot of questions being asked and if one didn't open up the book and go straight to the page, these questions would remain unanswered.
Ahh solid soups with garnishes a fright. The other picture of this has a life buoy surrounding the soups. They are lifesavers because they are chilled and served in the heat. See what they did there?  I'm a little leery of a solid gelatin soup with an egg wedge on top. I'm a little leery of all of those "lifesavers" come to think of it. I don't quite see the healing properties or refreshing properties on a hot August day.
Peppermint Snowballs. "A great way to beat the heat." Air conditioning and cold beverages are also a great way to beat the heat sans the lemon sherbet and green colored mint corn syrup drizzle.
"A mixing bowl is the mold for Hazlenut Cream Bombe." Bullshit! I call bullshit! How many nasty molded yuck craps have been photographed in this particular shape? Dozens. This looks like a mold where sliced fruit can be used on the top. Sorry, Family Circle, it may be 41 years but your lies are coming to fruition.
I really can't make too much out of this oyster chowder, but the lettuce bowls and peapod breadstick holder is completely fair game. Is it awesome or gaudy? I'm having a hard time here.

"Golden Turkey Chowder is a canned food quickie made in less than five minutes. All you have to do is open five cans (two of golden-mushroom soup, one of corn, two of turkey), slice a cup of celery, heat and stir." They had me at "canned food quickie." It's sloppily put together, of little quality, and going to make you hungry for more. 

"Scandanavian  Supper Pea Soup. A golden Blend." And what a golden blend it is! To get the soup to match the bowls to match the mustard. Highly impressive. Even the yellow in the paisley design matches the soup and bowls and mustard.

Peas and veal. How exciting.
Chuck steak with lots of beans. That ought to clear a room pretty fast.
Steak Madrid and Tournedos with Mushrooms Royale. By definition a tournedo is the center portion of the meat. Like a filet. So why in the hell would anyone want to ruin a piece of meat by stuffing olives into it?
Carioca Pepper Steaks. Slippery and fatty and looks like it was dropped in dirt.
Anchovy Steak with an impressive "olive and anchovy lattice trim." Who on earth has the time, patience, or desire to make a lattice trim using anchovies and olives? I applaud you while I admonish you from afar.
Pay no attention to that artery clogging fat in the middle, Oven Baked Cheddar Steak is unique. That's the eye on the prize. Unique.
Tournedos Henri IV. What that has to do with using a cheap cut of meat and claiming it is a center piece and drizzling it with an envelope of hollandaise mix, I don't know. I guess that goes in the category of trying to keep up with the proverbial Joneses. As long as it looks like something, and is called something, then it has to not be what it really is.
"This is a steak?" No really. This is a steak? Gourmet Steak Platter. This is a steak? The real question that should be asked is why? Followed by a what?
Rolled Stuffed Steakettes. Say it with me: Tuhds.
Yankee Berry Steak and Bavarian Steak Rollups. Sure. I'll play along with your silly little game too. What other reason would there to be to put berries on top of a steak? Damn Yankees. I know I talk like I'm Southern all of a sudden.
"To see how succulent, tender, and flavorful veal can be, give Broiled Veal-Vegetable Platter a try." Or to see how dull and uninspiring veal can be, look at the melons in the background.
Dixie Pork Chop Roast. This looked like anything but a pork, a chop, or a roast. It can go anywhere from a carcass in varying states or decay with an egg yolk, to overcooked beef, to I don't know what in the hell it is.
Well, I made do with what I had. I have to get back in the swing of things I suppose. No more month hiatuses. Thanks for reading and all of your support. I think my brain hurts from trying to be creative.