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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The Great Southwest--I mean Texas

I'm taking a huge risk here. I've offended the Marguerite Patten minions with my satirical approach to the recipe cards. Now, I am taking the big leap of faith, risking it all, perhaps preparing myself to be publically shunned. Maybe my birthday will be taken from me after I do what I am about to do.

Exhale..I am about to write a blog entry making fun of Texas via the book, The Great Southwest, part of the Southern Living book set from 1972. 

Maybe I need to change my identity. After all, how dare I move my yankee ass down to Texas with assumptions and a closed mind. How dare I still have Wisconsin license plates and still maintain a Wisconsin voter registration. HOW DARE I? Who am I to poke sillies at the Texas culinary world when my own palate has experienced Whataburger, Taco Cabana, or Henry's Puffy Tacos. I thought I was supposed to be far, far, far away from here this summer but the US Navy decided my husband needed to spend another year here (frowny face).

I don't hate Texas. I like it here. I do hate the fact Little Caesar's is the only decent pizza I can find around here. 

So Texans, if I offend you, whatever. There are far more vile things said about the people in your state and the state itself than what I can put in this blog entry. 

The Southwestern Cookbook, Southern Living, 1972. Darkened in secret that all I see is a bloody turd looking up at me, compelling me to really want to open this book.
Maybe this should be on the front. The title. Or is that too much work? Labeling that bloody omelet seems to be too much work.
The first sentence is true. My vision of Texas prior to moving here was filled with pearl buttoned shirts, cowboy boots, cowboy hats, nut cutting Wrangler jeans, boots with spurs, old fashioned pistols on holsters, big wads of tobacco, horses, conestoga wagons, campfires, tumbleweed, armadillos. I daresay that I was incorrect. San Antonio looks just like another city. Oh shit, I outed myself.
Long tall Texans need to put their cowboy hat down for a second and not be such a pompous prick because he has to eat salads and appetizers.
Spring Salmon Salad. I bet this was a good idea until someone decided to dump a can of salmon on top of it and drizzle it with mayonnaise and sour cream.
Cocktail Tacos with stuffed olives. Yes they are there. Look past the creamy stuff that has no recipe in this book. Aren't they so widdle and cute?
When I've been outside on a hot August day, the first thing I would be hungry for would be Hamburger with Guacamole Topping that has been sitting out all day. Oh who am I kidding? The chance of me actually being outside in August here is slim. Think of it like an Indiana winter. You don't see signs of life until the temperature rises above 20. That's how it is here too. Except for longer.
Old El Paso Tamales and Beans. I see what look like bloody Zingers and some mushy stuff with two slugs trying to crawl off the plate. Maybe they eat this in El Paso. I don't know. The only El Paso I know are the road signs and the taco mix because this Midwestern girl rolls like that.
If you are ever at a loss for what to do with that Antelope steak, here's a recipe. You're welcome.
Okay either the soup crock holding this Beef Stock Lentil Soup is kind of small or that is one big ass lemon. You know what they say about EVERTHING being bigger in Texas. I guess that applies to lemons but not soup crocks. I will try hard to refrain from saying the adage also applies to the people..It's hard.
Fireside Seafood Chowder. For those cold and blustery nights when the temperature gets all the way down to that frigid 30s, this chowder might hit the spot. Hurry though, those blustery and cold nights only last about two weeks.
Hukiluau Fish Feast. Okay, I'm going to be a skeptic but what good is the avocado scrub for the dead fish when it's already been cooked, and in order to get to the meat, you have to scrape off the scrub and the breading, debone the fish, and then eat it. By then the avocado and lemon masque will have worn off.  Believe it or not, whole fish still have bones!
This fried trout looks inspiring, doesn't it? Especially served atop a plate like that. My life is being sucked from me just staring it. And though my Texas food eating is limited, I do not think I've seen too many whole fried trouts.
Fiesta Day Shrimp Pot. It's almost Fiesta time here in great San Antonio. I'm going to have to look for this shrimp pot. Somehow I have an inkling feeling I will not find it.
When I see a steamy pan of plump peas and little white onions ,my first thoughts are usually how to dress it up too. Maybe throw an iceberg lettuce leaf on top. Genius!
1/2 tsp of Mexican spices used in this recipe for Mexican Meatball skillet does not a Mexican dish make. Especially when the meatballs are canned meatballs.
Hot Monterrey Salad. It's got a lot everything and a little bit of nothing, but darn it, there are corn chips lining it.
   Okay, I am going to keep watch on my door and prepare for the mobs of people, bearing their torches and pitchforks. Have a nice night y'all (ugh did I really do that? I didn't mean it. They can tell I'm not from around there because I say "you all")

1 comment:

  1. The best thing I have read in a long time. You have such a way with words.