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Monday, February 11, 2013

Grounded Beef

Let's take trip down memory lane. Forty one years ago to 1972 when ground beef was just ground beef. When people still went to a butcher. When a pound of ground beef possibly came from one cow and not dozens. When ground beef was not zapped with carbon monoxide because we cannot or will not buy meat that isn't bright red. When hundreds of millions of beef patties weren't recalled because of e-coli. When ammonia wasn't added. Before pink slime. Before the lips and assholes of the cow was ground up into the meat and sometimes a human finger that just got in the way. Amazing how far we've come. Was the finger reference too much? I could go on and on and on with ground beef jabs

For now we are going to be stuck in 1972 and forget all of that drama I just wrote. Maybe after a few of these pictures, we all might wish we find bits of someone's hairy knuckle in our hamburger instead of eating some of these dishes.  

Shrouded in secrecy with no title on the front. The Ground Beef Cookbook, Southern Living, 1972. After pages of loaf searching, I have found this to be the Beef Loaf Supreme because it's the only one with the fortitude to have sliced mushrooms atop.
The inner cover and another reason why I will not eat stuffed peppers. First and foremost, my house and laundry and kids will reek of cooked peppers. My son will open his backpack and it will fart green pepper air. Just not cool. And I don't know if that's supposed to be catsup (not ketchup) or a glaze of some sort.
This could be any hamburger in the book. I'm not an expert on the art of consuming a hamburger, but even I can see this is a mess down the front of the shirt waiting to happen. On a lighter note, it kind of looks like a face. Onion eyes, onion and tomato mouth. I think I need some air or something. Clear my head.
Time for the oblitatory tout of said subject. My family is just as "flavor appreciating" as the next and it doesn't automatically win approval amongst mine. Southern homemakers sure know their shit about everything but since I am merely a simpleton from Indiana who is temporarily squatting in the SW, I just don't belong to the club.
I write a lot of nonsense from time to time, but I think this takes it one step further.  Contrary to what this book might suggest, there are women in America too. And men don't carry pocketbooks. They carry satchels. Well played Southern Living, you have out BS'ed me. Well played indeed!
BAHAHAHAHAHA. Such a simple year that 1972 was! Nobody really believes this do they?
Utility  beef? Dog food? Military meat? Lunch room meat? I'll be sure to look for bluish red beef. I don't have my own personal butcher. What is this? 1972?
I saw an episode of Hoarders a few months ago and this is what was stacked in her toilet. Or really this can be in any Hoarders house with dead cats and roaches crawling over it.
I'd hate to rain on the parade of the Southern homemaker this book likes to praise, but ground beef with an envelope of sloppy joe mix is really just sloppy joes. I suppose it could be called Hot and Hearty Dip too.
Ahh leave this monochromatic and see what happens! What else can a shiny tapered object and a pile of something in the background look like? You know where I am going with this.
Some see pickles. I see turds.
Teepee Burgers. How does one eat a teepee burger? My mouth is big, but it's not that big. I don't see the rye bread underneath being in good shape after absorbing all the grease. Another fall apart mess down the shirt. Don't forget to take the toothpick out of the olive. There's only 2 tsp of MSG in here too. No harm, no fail, right?
Texas Joes. Because Texas is so badass that Sloppy Joes just won't work. I can say that. I live in TX. I'm going to drive to H.E.B. in my Texas Edition pickup truck and get the fixings for Texas Joes. Maybe I'll serve it on Texas Toast because that's how I roll.
This is just going to be a meatloaf. It looks dry and it looks like it was glazed with the same concoction the Hoarders turd balls a few pictures up used.
Fresh Potato-Frosted Meatloaf. Two of my least favorite foods growing up. My sisters and I used to smear mashed potatoes under the table to fool my mother into thinking we ate them. We were clever.
Olive Stuffed Beef Loaf. Not sure there's enough olives or sauce on this.
Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double beatloaf, I hate meatloaf. Even meatloaf with zesty topping. I'm starting to think the same meatloaf was used with the exception of that olive stuffed beaut.
I'm going to comment on how rare this looks to me. I'm sure someone else will comment back saying this is how steak is supposed to look. I will have to remind that poster that this is ground beef we are talking about. There is not a london broil in here. It's all ground beef. So this in MY OPINION is still mooing in distress. And I think I need to save it.
Hamburger Fritters. Looks like ground beef in a paper bowl with lumps on top. Not very inspiring.
Swedish Meatballs. Eh. Seen one of these, seen them all.
Golden Nugget Meatballs. To make me drop the childish feces references concerning ground beef, perhaps "nugget" is not going to help me. Meatballs and chafing dishes go together like peas and carrots. Like franks and beans.
Pirate's Pie. Nothing else to say but the "AAARRGGHHH" that goes with any pirate references.
Peasant's Coulibac. It really is spelled "coulibiac" but that would be nitpicking on my part.
Hamburger Shortcake. I know what it looks like. I've exceeded my quota for bowel contents today.
Avocado Half Shells with Tartare Steak. No, not really steak. Ground Beef. Eating raw ground beef on an avocado sounds really disgusting. And that says a lot coming from me.
Chicken tonight. It's going to have to be something with chicken.

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