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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Hot Diggity Dog and the Infallibles

Hello! After spending the past few days going through the Family Circle Illustrated Volume of Cooking, 1972 set, I decided to go with volume 10, Hot Dog Happenings, Infallible Instants and Mixes, The Joy of Cooking for Others (as if), and Land of Plenty Preserved. Why be normal and go in numerical order?

I'm going to TRY not to make any phallic references to the first section about hot dogs. It's going to be hard and it's going to require some discipline on my behalf. Oh who am I kidding? I'm not disciplined and when this book starts describing hot dogs as glistening franks, my hands are tied. My brain to finger filter suddenly disappears. But to keep this out of the NSFW status, I'll behave. Sigh...

Infallible Instants and Mixes: I have never thought of dry soup mix as infallible but I'll play along for the the S&Gs.

The Joy of Cooking for Others:  There's joy in that? Maybe I need a cooking epiphany or something.

Land of Plenty Preserved: I don't think that means what they think it means anymore. 

Family Circle Illustrated Library of Cooking, Volume 10. I seriously think I was the first person to crack open this book. When I opened it, I was instantly reminded of brand new textbooks in school. I almost felt the weird urge to put a paper bag book cover over it and write "GUNS N' ROSES RULE"or "I HEART AXL ROSE 4-EVER". I think I said too much.
Are you a hotdog fancier? Would you like to wrap a meatloaf and onions around your wiener? That didn't last long, did it? Sigh.
Glistening franks and lamb patties.(AGH)  It has to be the best way to serve franks. But it's most important to cook them separately.
The incredible, adaptable hot dog. The wiener wears its sauce well. When I read the word knackwurst, I am transported back to Wisconsin. I need to pronounce it KNAYAK-wurst. I'm leaving the last paragraph alone.
Such a pliable and bendable object a hot dog is. Just slash it, cut it crosswise and bend it into circles. I'm a little intrigued by this outside the box thinking. The circular arrangement with scary cause is piquing my attention the most.
Sweaty wieners. Eeew.
I cropped out the caption but it reads "Beautiful variation on the hotdog theme: Hawaiian Windups, with frankfurters and pinepple spears in ham." I can think of many things a hot dog is and beautiful never comes to my mind. Hot dogs and pineapples don't come to my mind either.
Since the captions are better than mine: "Spritely to look at, savory to eat, hot dog chunks on a bed of sauerkraut spoked with pineapple and peppers." Wow..They are really trying to marry hot dogs and pineapples in this book. And with sauerkraut? Who was the lucky person to have to taste this mess?
Wiener Tiara Bake. No, it really is called that. I'm serious for once.
Confetti Skillet Supper. Instead of the reality of eating hot dogs, corn, lima beans, and rice, just imagine being somewhere else and throwing confetti in celebration of a better life.
There are a few important rules one must needs to follow in order to have a successful frankfurter stacking. First they MUST follow a pattern. And second, the buns must be the just the right height. Kind of like trees. Someone might have realized what I just did there.
And that concludes the hot dog portion of this post. Moving on, shall we? 

If nothing is learned from this, intro paragraph talking about "jig-time vegetables" and "sleight of hand salads" should basically sum it all up. I'm not going to completely bash the instants no matter how infallible they might be. I use them. It's not like I have a vegetable garden, grow my own herbs, and have my own cow in the backyard. I can, however, take great pleasure in poking fun at what these infallible instants used to create!
There's the jig-time vegetables, zip-quick rib sticking meats, split-second soups, and whatever the hell that long and scary bread with the olives peeking out of it is called.
EHHHHHH no, I realy do not want an instant Hollandaise made of mayonnaise, melted butter, and lemon. I know that's basically what a Hollandaise sauce is but this is making it sound so real and mayonnaise-y.
My secret recipe when I bake is everything I bake comes from a mix-cake, roll, or cookie, too. Most everything anyway. I see a typo in that caption!
Onion Sausage Pie. And how many years did it take to get the smell out of your house if you made this?
Sausage Pizza. I'll admit I am not the craftiest cook in the world. I get burnt out and hate cooking. Every now and then I might try something new. Rarely Adding salami, sausage, pepperoni to a frozen pizza is even below my limited culinary experience.
Caption reads: Bisquit mix crust filled with canned salmon + process American cheese + stuffed olives = Salmon Salad Tart. Now, I suck at math. I suck at it to the point that it is my stumbling block to success. However, even I see that adds up to a pie of shit.
Gelatin based Cranberry Cream. Either my mind is playing tricks on me or that looks like a plastic wiener tiara crown mold. Wouldn't it melt into a gelatin based cranberry cream puddle? It's too perfect, too shiny, and it looks like a crown of wieners.
That what of who for huh? There's joy in that? I told you all I need a cooking epiphany.
That's right Jack. That's right Jill. Your rocket cones can take you to the moon. Reach for the sky. You won't always be stuck with a rat/kitty cat/mouse/gelatin cake either.
"For birthday teenagers, none of the pastel party bit. The saltier and heartier the better," said nobody in 2013 ever. Let's just impress the gang with A-Okay Lasagna.
Bahahaha give me a shot at making a frilly and feminine bride's buffet with elegant food and a cake one I've made. PLEASE LET ME!!!!
Pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles. Impress your guests with your pickle shelf in jars of all shapes and sizes and pickles of all makes and models. Is this not the most ridiculous? Or maybe it's genius.
Really? That's the prettiest pantry? Because surely if I canned my own vegetables and pickles it would be arranged exactly like that.

There's still 13 volumes left!  

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Lucky #7

After my last post, I had all intentions on taking a few days away from blogging to let everything catch up so I don't cause sensory overload and perhaps deliver too much information at once. I was going to pick out my next Southern Living cookbook and spend the next couple of days coming up with a good post about either seafood, poultry, casseroles. Typical way of me wiping out one's desire to eat a particular food group. 

But then this happened:

 I HAD to get the entire 1972 Family Circle Illustrated Library of Cooking and the package HAD to arrive yesterday. Because I already did a post covering the first book, I had no idea where to begin so I went to my Facebook page for advice and was given the suggestion to start at book #7. 

Okay! Advice taken. I'm going back to the familiar ugly retro food without any particular theme that you all have grown to love and maybe love to hate. Either way, by the time all is said and done we are all going to be more familiar with this series.

The possibilities in these books are endless and the pictures are wonderful! Okay, ramble, ramble, I'm going to begin.
Family Circle Illustrated Library of Cooking, 1972, Volume 7, Des-Eas. The usual shade of yellow, the molds, the four topics. Oh yeah, this book has potential. Was 1972 THE YEAR for this type of food?
My family has a sweet tooth. I'm always too busy to cook. This is THE BOOK for me. I shall peruse the pages as I look for the treasure trove of meals that cook themselves.
When I want my own little ramekin of turkey,  I really just want it to have green and waxed beans included in that hot little crock all for myself. I assume said bowl of pork and fruit is to be consumed with chopsticks, hence the name Chopstick Pork. My dexterity disappears when a pair of those suckers are presented to me.

I don't think I've seen the calorie charts in years so putting it away won't be an issue. I think this page is mocking the heavyset. Well pick a finger, fool! It's the one in the middle!
The queen of custards, Custard Cream with its unworthy peasants, the Caramel Cups. They are "simpler, it's true, but no less good."
It could look like a Cool Lemon Cream soufflé to some, but this reminds me of a firework snake. Instead of black ash spewing forth in a black coil, I'm seeing the same thing happen here.
Really? "Fattening?" What person on a diet is either going to delight in having to eat this or try to imagine it being perceived as a fattening dessert?
Ehhh, the Cafe Cream Royale looks plastic. Mini Maple Cups look okay. Maybe. Rainbow Tower on left would be okay if it was more than just three different colors of the same flavored jello. Okay it wouldn't be okay. Blech. Cheater with your plastic mold and same flavor but different colored jello mold.
Now when they say "snap" do they mean it's easy? A snap of the fingers and it's molded to perfection? Or what my mind would do if I tried to make this and it did not come out in one piece?
Think and Want are two different ideas. I don't think I want to make this striped beauty. I don't think I can want to make this striped beauty. I don't think I can call it a striped beauty.
I've done enough of these blogs, seen enough of these pictures to know that anything that color and consistency requires a second opinion.
The cover photo without the information. Party Pink Pouf Torte and a Mexican Creme mold. Ehh, let's just put the words back over the picture.
This looks harmless. Too harmless. I can overlook the fact it looks like it was frosted with a tube of toothpaste.
Good idea to let the hostess shirk her responsibilities with a "break" Meanwhile this Mexicali Chicken cooks unattended while spiteful guests sabotage the project. Could be pubes, alcohol, fingernails, roofies. Are you sure you want that break, hostess?
The caption was on the other page. It said, "Compliments for the cook who serves Party Jambalaya." Hopefully the cook serves it north of the Mason Dixon line.
Shrimp Newberg Ramekin. Lucky there's that safe border of peas.
Gourmet Sole, made with frozen fish and grapes in the chicken broth sauce. How gourmet can it get? I am sure green grapes and fish go splendidly together. Grapes are not something I thought I would imagine picking out of something.
Seems like for a fleeting second, I stepped back to 1972 and wrote that caption myself.
Duchess meatloaf pie. Basically, a big hamburger patty flavored with onion soup mix is put in a pan. Then it is into wedges and instant mashed potatoes are glopped over it. I wish I was joking. Hmmm, I wonder if my husband would eat it...
Here's a way to never have company over again. Serve Company Skillet Ragout which is meatballs made from veal and sausage, lima beans, peas, cabbage, onion, carrots, and V8 juice. Of course you risk the chance they like it and want to come back again.
Another caption I could have written. Since there was nothing else the tomatoes, celery, carrots, basil, and thyme could do, it was decided they "add interest" because ham and lima beans are riveting by themselves.
Holy Horsecock there's a typo! Bolgna. Of course, the scored and stuffed tubes of horsecock bologna with clovers placed strategically throughout,the heated bananas and oranges, did not attract my attention but the fact that horsecock  bolgna was missing an "o".
Beef Napoli. While I had the privilege of living in Bella Napoli for 3 years due to my assignment in the navy, I enjoyed the local cuisine. I promise for the other Americans who might want to visit Naples, you will not be presented with a roast stuffed with pepporoni. Eat some pizza though.
Continental Veal Bake. Lots of mashed potatoes, frozen peas, onions, and VEAL.
Lamb Eggplant Ramekin. I'm just going to trust this is true.
Mock Fruits. You didn't really think the Creepshow fuzzy pear was real did you? It's Winter Pear Pâté. As for the fake apple, that bullshitter is a Cider Cheese Spread.
Orange-Glazed Corned Beef with a Jellied Mustard. Mayo, mustard, gelatin. Because it would be absolute social suicide to have jars of mayonnaise and mustard nearby.
Jellied Meat Loaf. Pork and veal chunked small, mayonnaise, broth, mustard, lemon juice, celery, green pepper, and a shelled hard cooked egg altogether in a fantabulous loaf. The top is the mayo mustard mixture, second row is lemon juice, chopped vegetables, meats, egg.. That's a lot of work for something so wrong!
  I think I will stop at that mess. How can I go further when that was the show stopper? Late note, I would like to thank each and every one of you to have gotten me to my 30,000 view. That was my personal goal when I started this blog and I have surpassed it. Keep coming back for more, bring a friend, follow me on FB etc. I'll still be here!! Thanks so much for your continued support!!! Muah!