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Monday, November 5, 2012

Canadian Gut Bombs (Recipe Cards #10)

Happy Monday/night before election day. If you seek an escape from the chaos, welcome aboard! I do not have a political blog and what I write about has nothing to do with politics so consider this a safe haven from politics, elections, news, etc. Just those subjects. Gross food may make you want to switch some repetitive, mouth breathing cable news channel back on.

I know I've been posting a lot of recipe card posts. Every time I reach for the book I want to use, a box of cards stops me and I am compelled to go through it. It's kind of like me wanting to crush the packages of tostada shells I see at the store. They are just so round and stacked and fragile. All I want to do is squeeze them to crumbs. I see my recipe cards and all I want to do is go through them and find the worst of the worst. I have to admit, my finds today are interesting. 

I don't know how many of you have heard of Marguerite Patten. I sure as heck didn't until today. She was kind of like Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart, except human. Here is a little Wiki blurb about her. I know, what rock have I been under? Where do I find these things?

These recipe cards are from Canada. Thank you Canada for your Canadian ugly retro food. 

Enjoy Marguerite Patten's recipe cards, 1967. I had to plug the name and year. Clever. I know. 

Slurrrrp, suck suck, chew chew. Swallow, stomach bubble. Repeat until done. How else can you enjoy a wondrous concoction of cottage cheese, canned salmon, gelatin, hard boiled eggs, pickles, mayonnaise, and cucumber slices? How brilliant Mags must have been to include every disgusting food into one recipe. No wonder she sold millions of books.
If I didn't know any better, I would think this was a Canadian version of Tuna Noodle Surprise except it is brilliantly hidden by half tomato slices and baked into a ring. Smoked cod is used instead of tuna aye. How anyone can get past that wet stirring sound of the noodles is beyond me. It's so sloppy and wet. Like a dog licking your face but the dog has stinky breath and won't go away.

These prawns look like they are assuming the position and getting ready to take off. Americans kind of  prefer our shrimp to not have the eyes and clutching for dear life to an olive. We really want them to look dead. I'm sure they go well with apples, mayonnaise, cucumbers, olives, tomato paste.
This fiesta tart kind of gets it. The prawns at least look dead. The recipe calls for just their heads to be served on top. Meanwhile, their bodies are mixed into the tart mixture. Um, what is this fiesta celebration going to be about?
Now hold it right there, Maggie Pat. I live in Texas. I eat in Texas. I think I would remember if this was part of the Texas food culture. I have yet to see Texan Three Ring Rice. I'll keep looking. I'll be so surprised if I don't find it too. There's not a damn thing in the recipe associated with Texas. If there was, Texas would be embarrassed.
Does this bother anybody else? Not that it's a bunch of chopped liver and formed into a meatloaf. It's the raw bacon that keeps my attention. Seen one tuhd loaf, seen them all. I've never seen a meatloaf with Trichinella spiralis so blatantly on top of it. May your wormy shits not be so bad and hopefully you get the treatment you need.
Well isn't that beautiful? Beef in Aspic. After all, who wants to eat a roast beef sandwich? Wouldn't you prefer it to be layered in gelatin and parsley to where it looks like an underwater nightmare? It's like a lunch meat lasagna.

Because cold soup is a stupid idea. It is better if it's jellied. Mags deemed it that way.
Savory Boxes. I bet they are. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
A gazillion corned beef open sandwiches. I get the moon! I get the moon! I'm sure there was a purpose to cut them into little shapes and overdecorate them. Because they're so pretty. Yeah, that's it.
Ehhh, by now you all should know I am a major mayophobe. Uhhh, nothing to see here. Moving on
Oooh, how generous!! Everybody gets their own apple and tomato mold! No more fighting for the last bite. It ends now with these individual molds.Who cares if it's tomato juice turned gelatin, full of chopped apples and ham. You get your own!!!!

Ham in Aspic. Okay. Sure. It's been done before. Ham with gelatin around it. Yawn. Except it's not that simple! Hidden from view are cooked prunes, hard boiled egg yolks and egg whites, of course there is that happy pea circle with 6 pleasant olives. What could possibly be wrong with this besides everything?
This is the first picture where I had to play around with the color because the yellow was so bright, my corneas were burning and my eyes were watering. It looks yellow and pert. Lemon jello on top of an egg white lemon jello base. My eyes are watering again. This time it has nothing to do with the jello.
Coffee Mold. Because when you are craving a nice cup of coffee, you should be able to chew on it instead of drink. Semi solid coffee is the wave of the future. At least maybe it was in 1967. 
What is this made of? Do you really want to know? We have come this far so I supposed I could let you in on a few things. Chaud =Hot, Froid = cold. This chicken is made with a mayonnaise aspic. Yes, your read that right. The white stuff coating that? Mayonnaise aspic. Do you still think Americans have weird appetites? This is chicken with a mayonnaise gelatin!
Pressed Ox Tongue anybody? Any takers? It's covered in gelatin. No?
I don't know if Magz has ever been to California. How many Californian Jello Rings has the average Californian eaten? It's a jello mold with prunes in it! Nothing can be more disgusting!
Apple Jelly Ring. This seems pretty normal compared to other gelatin molds (see above).
My son saw this and said it was a porcupine pot roast. Brilliant child! To me it looks dead like it's laying on its side. I don't think my son wants a porcupine cake. 
And the end of another group of cards draws to a close. Don't worry, I have a gazillion more.


  1. Oh wow. The prawns! The aspic! Unbelievably. And I have a set of those identical glasses for the gazpacho. Love these cards!

  2. Kim, I've wanted to get my hands on the Patten cards! But the shipping costs are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too high.

    If you like this sort of thing, you should check out my blog www.dinnerisserved1972 and the Retro Weight Watchers Experiment

    We actually make these things!

    1. I saw those cards cards on ebay a few weeks ago and had to get them!!! Of course I am going to check out your blogs! Thanks!

  3. I'm Canadian and I've never seen any of this 'food', but I want that hedgehog cake. I did see a photo of one like this years ago on a British website. Incidentally, Marguerite Patten was British so maybe hedgehog cake is more of a thing over there. It looks like it tastes like nutella.

  4. Dreadful sorry, but those Prawn Stuffed Apples and the Hedgehog Cake look really yummy to me! Would you mind scanning & posting the other side of their cards? I can’t find them anywhere on the Internet and I don’t want to pay gazillions to ship them to my country...
    Best wishes!