Sunday's Recipe Cards #7--Late!

A terrible, horrible, bad thing happened to those of us who rely on Blogger/Blogspot. There was a hiccup in the system and all of our stats and counters were reset to zero. There was panic, panic everywhere. I thought some rogue hacker got a hold of my Precious and decided to play around with my stats. A simple Google, and I found I was not alone. I could exhale because months of progress was not wiped out in one fell swoop. I'm not a bean counter per se, but I like to have an idea of what is popular and what is a flopper. That is why today's entry is coming kind of late. 

I picked through my gazillion recipe cards, using the Betty Crocker's Step-By-Step Recipes, 1975. It seemed like a gross meat kind of day.

If the title of this doesn't thwart the masses from continuing, surely bologna-relish filling or tuna-olive filling will. Those look like dead hands to me. Not a drop of blood circulating in that thumb. Who wants "Fill-A-Bun Fun" served to you by a dead, bloodless hand?

What better way to show hospitality than to let your guests grill their own hamburgers? If you take the time to line the raw patties on a bed of parsley in close proximity to raw vegetables, surely cooking them for those you invite to eat some "RoyalE" should not be a daunting task. Those Three Mile Island salt and pepper shakers do little to stop the potential for cross contamination.

Pizza Fondue sounds like it would not be a bad idea. Dip bread cubes or cheese into a simmering pizza sauce. But then one looks at the pinkish gloop and odd array of vegetables. Those little breadsticks would shatter upon spearing. It would not sully the tomato's appearance to take the blackened stems from it. It could almost work if the entire idea was redone without the cornstarch to thicken it and cheddar cheese cubes. Yeah, this looks like a hot mess of simmering crap. Never mind.

Alter the DNA of those 1975 babies and beyond or haves some Microwave Veal Strips Stroganoff that was cooked rapidly and by itself with the use of penetrating microwaves. Tough call. Or make it into a Chop Suey that looks like it came from a can?

To say that SPAM could somehow be considered either a meat or a pork is giving it far more credit than it should be given.  When SPAM is more pink than the hands that are being used to prepare it, there's either a lighting issue or a dead hand issue. I guess that's good because with the shitty way the knife is being handled, she can knick her fingertips and won't bleed too bad.

Vegetable Lasagne. With Bacon. Makes sense. If I look at the partly cooked bacon in a windowpane pattern, I am less likely to notice the other three preparation pictures.

Mardi Gras Cheese and Franks or if you want to just say a grilled cheese sandwich topped with tomatoes, mushrooms and hotdogs, that works too.

Salmon Sandwich Bake. Who likes peas and salmon that much? A little canned salmon, cream of shrimp soup, cheddar cheese, frozen peas served over bread and baked until happy. Sounds mushy. And tinny.

Ham Loaf Swirl. It just wouldn't be where it was today if not for the green beans in the middle.

Sauerkraut Surprise. I guess the surprise is what looks like crusty and cute little balls on a stick is really sauerkraut. Surprise!

Fiesta Beef Roll Sandwich. If it looks like sliced turds, chances are it's going to taste like sliced turds (tuhds). How else can ground beef, cheddar cheese, crushed corn chips, and a little love taste? If it doesn't taste like shit, it's definitely going to look like it when it makes its return to the outside world. Plop, splash.

I'm not familiar with the culinary world of Bulgaria. I'm going to assume that this Bulgaria--Herbed Beef Bake is a loose and liquidy interpretation of what is possibly created in that country. This is the Betty Crocker version of the "splendid Musaka" I took it upon myself to investigate this situation. Betty Crocker, you didn't have to go there. This looks bad even for an old Betty Crocker recipe card.

Pizza Waffles. Waffles, sure. Pizza? Perhaps if it was vomited pizza. That's what it looks like. Someone just vomited on the waffles. They didn't try to turn their head or anything. Just a very watery mouth, a gag, and a splat. The hue of green chosen for this display accents the plate of vomit waffles.

 
That should do it for this Sunday. I still have 10 minutes until midnight. 

U.N.T.