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Thursday, September 6, 2012

Salad Nightmares

A typical week for me with this blog consists of looking for cookbooks, tabbing cookbooks with the next subject, and preparing for the next post. However, sometimes my thought process gets interrupted. There are some books that are just so intriguing they get bumped to the top of the line. 

A true and ugly part of that day and age were the salads. Not just greens, vegetables, and a dressing of sort. Not the three or four microgreens on top of a venison tartare that passes for a salad on the cooking shows. I am talking about aspics, molds, curries, mayonnaise, hollowed out vegetables. I have discussed this subject before. It's safe to assume this is another bad memory that needs to be exhumed.

Family Circle's Salad Cookbook, 1978. Apparently a Salad Cookbook is not an oxymoron.
It's so meaty. It almost looks like a Thanksgiving Turkey. Albeit a very bad turkey.
Salad days actually refers to a more idyllic time in one's life. When we are young, innocent, naive, without a care in the world, foolish enough to eat this if our mother forced us to eat it or we lose Atari privileges.
Cornucopia Salad Bowl. The only thing o'plenty in this horn is the amount of hominy and corn you are going to find in the toilet a few days after eating this. The hominy is combined with sandwich spread so that and the salami ought to exercise your bowels.
So divine and perfect it deserves its own page. Chicken Mousse in Aspic. To break it down into more simple terms and really bring this sucker to life, that swirly twirly off pink stuff in the ham rolls is swirling and twirling throughout the mold. Why did this have to happen? Just why? Someone come forward and explain yourself!
Stuffed lobster overshadowed by a Shimmering Shrimp Aspic. Hard boiled eggs, mayo, shrimp, chicken broth encased in a mold of something much greater than any of us.
The caption reads: "Although it looks like a summery chicken and grape molded salad, Chicken Indienne is a curry, with the chutney sealed beneath a mound of grapes". Sealed? I'm so ignorant when it comes to identifying molded salads, I would have foolishly assumed it was a summery chicken and grape molded salad perched atop a pedestal.
Dilled Shrimp in Aspic. I know of someone who wanted to know what to do with shrimp and I was too late to offer this recipe to her. I think she's a forgiving person.
Salmon in Aspic. Ehh..about that. Is it just me or does anybody else wonder if the carrot mixture next to the party loaf is edible? (Forgive the pink tab that slipped onto the top of this picture). As you can see, I'm trying to distract myself from the big fish with Hitler moustaches and suspicious grins.
Sun-Gold Egg Mold. Hard boiled eggs in a gelatin mixture. The molded part itself is mayonaise, chicken broth, gelatin, and I don't want to consider what the smell is going to be like when this thing gets sliced.
To quote the caption: "As fancy as they come, Shrimp-Cucumber Diadem will have guests marveling at your handiwork". Is this really the goal you want to achieve? Guests looking at your confusing gelatin mold with sad pink shrimp that are begging to be freed? Just for the record, a diadem is a type of crown. So I crown thee creator of strange shit that people will look at but not even try to eat.
More royalty for us minions. On the left is a curried chicken coronet of the worst color of yellow imaginable and on the right is a tomato aspic crown. Yes that's right, a tomato aspic crown. The top mold is a rainbow fruit mold, but it's barely worth talking about. It is in the presence of royalty! The crowns have to allow me to discuss it.
This is the epitome of anything and everything being able to be made into a gelatin mold and called a salad. What is it? A Boston Beanie Ring. It is literally pork and beans with catsup (not ketchup), tomato juice, and lemon gelatin. My tastebuds are short circuiting as they try to process how this would taste and feel. My epiglottis has shut itself in protest. My uvula has threatened to put this in a choke hold.
Raspberry Chiffon Royale. Sounds like a nice cool, refreshing dessert after a hearty meal of beef wellington. Cute little marshmallows for added textured. Except, well, those are not marshmallows. Those are bits of broken up egg whites. It makes zero sense to me either. I think marshmallows would have probably had a greater success. My kids would try eating it thinking there are marshmallows in it. My kids would hate me forever if I told them what they were eating.
Lemon Berry Mold and Jeweled Honeydew Mold. They are too normal. Meh.
This looks like something that was picked out of the trash. Ham rolls, canteloupe, and maggoty looking rice. It goes deeper than the maggots. There's mayonnaise involved in this thing.
I'd eat this. Papaya, blueberries, grapes and lime juice. Nothing weird.
I think the Chefette might get a little pissed if she has to keep assembling these Chefette Fruit Plates. Good play on the optics by assembling it over a lettuce shaped plate.
Calico cups are so sacred and so rare to the salad world that they must be encased in a glass box. Do not touch!!
I think I have caused enough gags and WTHs so I will end it here.



  1. I love you! These are awesome and I am going to have nightmares about jello salads chasing me!

    1. AHH! Can you imagine the sound a jello mold makes chasing someone?