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Sunday, September 30, 2012

Recipe Card Sunday

It's that time of the week again. In keeping with my tradition of doing recipe cards on Sundays, I searched and found some pathetically lazy recipe cards. Lazy in the sense that someone has the time to look for these recipes, follow them verbatim, and serve them to their family. Now, I am not the traditional Sunday dinner type of person. Looking through these cards, I now feel like putting a frozen pizza in the oven shows more effort and appreciation than what I am about to present.

Sure this entry will be lost in the usual Sunday night TV schedule. It's okay though. 

If anyone is counting, this is my fifth recipe card blog. For those who don't want to go click crazy, here's clicky links:

Who Can Forget The Recipe Cards?
Recipe Cards 2.0
Recipe Card Redux
More Molded Salad and Recipe Card Oddities

I am using my Betty Crocker's Step-by-Step Recipe card collection, 1975. I'm taking the short but sweet approach because there's really no set theme to recipe cards. They just are recipe cards.

Those who have been reading my blog from the beginning understand the "catsup (not ketchup)". I put it because that was how it was spelled. I can't be too modern by spelling it "ketchup". I guess if the catsup (not ketchup) is darkened it would look more like chili sauce? Do you really want to dip your Ore Ida french fries in something that has been flavored by being cooked and sieved through a cheesecloth?

Hot dog salad and peanut logs!! Any takers? The peanut logs on the right look like they are covered with ants. Not at all appetizing. Maybe they are covered with ants. The hot dog salad? Zucchini and hot dogs might work. I don't think so. I see this as shit thrown together and plastered on a recipe card.
Cornucopias and Yam Ice Cream. What? Did I read that right? Rolled ham stuffed with things I won't eat sounds about right. Yam ice cream. I fear that might make a comeback.

I'm noticing the top is in the Cooking For Show category. That's what it has to be. There cannot be a soul left alive on this planet who would eat wilted lettuce and salami. Maybe I put too much faith in mankind.
Parsley Jelly. Ooookay.. First off, making parsley into a spreadable condiment is an abomination to start. When the cooking and gelling process is complete, and green food coloring is required to make it look green, that is a tragedy.

Avocado Chili. There should be a category for "Not Even Trying" in these recipe cards. Canned chili with sliced avocados. That's it. I don't even think it's worth the cardstock in which it is printed.
Pizzaghetti. I do want to try to sell this onto my toughest critics or my children. Would they believe that this is truly pizza served over spaghetti? Would they look at the corn and olives and tell me exactly where I can go and walk from the table? I'd probably let them walk from the table. I'd give them ice cream. Yam Ice Cream for not appreciating my culinary experimentation.
In keeping with the sick and twisted photography of the mid century, this tuna spaghetti does not fall short. Could it be pizzaghetti? It kind of looks like it but the fish above it gives me the false impression that this is something entirely different. There's no corn either.

Wow, I would be flattered to be invited to a party where this is served. I might not eat it and I probably won't like the way my clothes or hair smells after the fact. I'd probably complain to my husband about dragging me to a party like this too. It's probably the type of party where there aren't any kids except my own.

Really? This is the best you can do Betty?

Liver Fritada. Yes, it looks like just about every other card I have used tonight. I know. Just bear with me. It explains the bad and ugly of retro food part of this blog.

Spaghetti Chop Chop. Yes. Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! What does this even mean? Chop! Chop! Chop! Raw peppers. Chop! Chop! Chop!
Cabbage-Cheddar Chowder. Sure to be a family favorite. It sounds like it would stink and it looks like it would cause gas and explosive diarrhea.

Hot Dog Macaroni. Underneath the seven tomato slices, slightly browned cheese lies a scary thought of macaroni, hot dogs, Cheddar AND Cottage Cheese. When the holes of macaroni are staring up at me, I imagine some sort of larvae getting ready to hatch within the tubes.

Cheesy Chicken Over Rice. My interpretation differs slightly from the title. I see the results of stumbling upon a decomposing squirrel and the one who discovered it vomiting all over the maggots and rabbit turds. One day I will find rice that doesn't look like maggots. Until then, rice looks like maggots.
Natty Napkins. To look at but never unfold or dab the corners of the mouth. The ones on the left look like Willy Wonka wallpaper and the ones on the right look like prefluffed kleenex carnations that we spent agonizing hours fluffing for our little league float. A schnozzberry tastes like a schnozzberry.
For those who are full of fecal matter, I present Prune Whip Pie. A wonderful opportunity to purge one's bowels of the above mentioned digestive blunders.

I hate this bunny rabbit. Instead of invoking hope and joy and things pink, I feel compelled to step on it and smash it to crumbs. It's looking at me the wrong way.

This laughable attempt at a turkey comes off as tuhds with candy corn attached to it. Somebody grab the plunger. This one is going to cause some plumbing damage.

Short, sweet, simple, funny. As long as I have a gazillion recipe cards and a Sunday, I will be here.


Friday, September 28, 2012

A Brunch and Roosters. Many Roosters.

I'm on a roll. I picked up 12 cookbooks from the local DPS (thrift store) a few days ago. Some of these I have been looking for and I'm glad I found them for less than a dollar. I bet I get more use out of them in the couple hours it takes for me to tab the pics, scan, edit, and post. Yes, for the record, everything in this blog is 100% my work. Except for the cookbooks of course. I do not snipe pics from other websites and use them on my blog. I will post chosen pics on my Pinterest site, but more often than not they lack the captions that are found here. Everything in these blog entries has been picked by me. I just need to throw that out every now and then. 

My blogging area. That stack next to my laptop are blog entries that need to be born. Looks like I'm going to be doing this for a while!
 Anyway, getting back to today's subject. Lunches and Brunches. To me, those never are combined to make a meal of each other. My idea of brunch is that I slept past 11 and I want a bowl of cereal or some eggs. I don't "get together with the ladies for brunch" and my family knows that I wouldn't be interested in Mother's Day Brunch in some restaurant. Easter Brunch? No thank you. It's like a feeding trough to me. I'm eating breakfast food midday and that's it. 

In 1963, there was a lot of hooplah about brunch. More so than today. People still do this, but there was a lot of radish cutting and gelatin molds if this book is any indicator of what brunch was like.

Time to proceed with another installation from Better Homes and Gardens.

Better Homes and Gardens Lunches and Brunches, 1963
The nicest comment I can make about this is that it's busy. I see reds and pinks. I'm distracted from whatever hard boiled egg concoction is in the middle. I will give a golf clap to the individual who took the time to slice every firecracker plum, spread some cream cheese, and put the top back on them. That type of work is just not seen today. Is that a bad thing?

I can see this on someone's pinterest board acting like they discovered something brand new and clever! Looks like you are 49 years too late! Of course if I tried that, my pancakes would break apart or something.
I'm going to give some credit here once again. I can be awestruck and snarky at the same time. To be able to make a clear red cherry gelatin and then add a sour cream pink cherry gelatin into a mold and pull it off requires skills that just weren't handed down to me. Yet I have gone on to lead a semi productive life. Now I know what's missing. The ability to mold gelatin.
Oh Ginger Fruit Freeze..I knew you would never come to life under my culinary prose when I read your ingredients. You lost me at the package of cream cheese and the mayonnaise that make up the first two ingredients. Too bad..Not that this crap looked palatable or anything.
Sometimes a color photo does these molds justice. Maybe it would in the sake of this tangy confetti relish mold. I prefer the monochromatic approach. If I imagined this had color, then I imagine it had life.
The secret to turning out an aspic. I can imagine the woman who made this holding her breath the entire time. The paranoia. The fit of rage that would ensue if only half of it came out right. What to do then? Cube it? Throw it against the wall and cry? Drown her sorrows with a couple of valium and a drink?
Have no fear! It turned out like it was supposed to. So well that radish garnishes, parsley and some "Perfect" potato salad. Life could not get any better for the hostess of this brunch.
This frightens me. I don't know why but I imagine creepo people serving this and smiling as I take a bite and grab a celery stick out of the basket. When I want a sandwich, I usually want whole asparagus spears on it. Stop looking at me creepy woman! Or man because my astute daughter claims the arms are hairier than a Yeti. I'm trying to choke this down as politely as I can.
This drunk trailer food of corn chips and canned chili is not right. Add some beets and green beans and we are looking at a clean colon a few days after consumption. P.S. If your stool is red, you probably do not have cancer. You ate beets. Either that or your hemorrhoids are aggravated. Or both.
I could leave a lot of comments about what this looks like but I'm going to leave it to your imagination.
Forget counting calories! This showmanship is all about who can sawcut the best canteloupe in the neighborhood. Maybe you are lucky enough to have found a contaminated melon and cross contaminated all of the fruit. That'll teach them to question your showmanship skills.
This is busy too. Full and busy. You better really want those strawberries because it looks like the golden guard roosters will happily take your hand off to the middle of the forearm.
This is also just so busy. What do you grab first? The souffle that looks like a leaky boil? The sausages? It doesn't matter either way because that pissed off rooster has managed to merge itself onto the plates. If you still have hands, you aren't going to have a tongue. Mockingly pastel color his unborn children and see what happens. Humans! 

There's about 4 potential ways of burning yourself here. Hot coffee pot, hot toaster, sizzling hot plate, and electric fry pan. Take your chances. Choose well. Is that mess of eggs and asparagus worth it? Grab those tongs that have probably been resting against the hot plate and brand the palm of your hand. This truly will be a brunch you never forget.
Don't get too close to that chicken disguised as a strawberry salt shaker. Are those fingers worth keeping for some kitschy brunch?
This rooster has some rage in him as he stares at the half cooked eggs. If one is going to cook his species, one should make damn sure they cook it right. Half cooked isn't going to appease him at all. Spearing your hand with his beak is what he wants to happen.
What 1960's brunch would be complete without some odd mold to complete it? This potato salad mold with it's artfully arranged pimento flower is no exception. Smear some of that mayonnaise mixture atop it for added ooomph. Can I gag? Because that's what I want to do. Gag. Am I finished. Not even.
Tuna Ring. To voluntarily eat something molded and this shade of pink requires skill, prose, discipline that I cannot possess. I'm not even counting the tuna, tomato soup, mayonnaise, cream cheese, hard cooked eggs, pimentos, etc. that make this happen.
My son is a picky eater. I have said this and will continue to say this. When he was young, I admit that I tried to be cute and arrange his food in faces. I feel that if I took this Eggs Benedict and decorated it as such, he probably would need to be put on a feeding tube for the rest of his years. The face is scaring me. And I don't keep sliced truffles for the eyes so I would have to substitute something.

I'll admit. This book was a lot of fun to go through. Not that I would ever cook anything from it. 


Thursday, September 27, 2012

Stretching Da Meat

The title of the book I am about to use opens the door for any and all dirty minded comments. That was the cleanest I could create. I'm not trying to make a NSFW blog based on the title. I wouldn't want anyone to get in trouble over a 38 year old book about stretching meat. 

I know meat is expensive. I hate buying meat. I have a package of steak and a bag of generic Wal Mart chicken nuggets in my freezer. I suck. I should probably think about doing some shopping. Eh, first things first. 

Meat stretching (giggle) is obviously not a new concept. In this book, TVP (Texturized Vegetable Protein) is being introduced into recipes. I don't think I have ever knowingly bought TVP, but I am sure it adds the needed protein for stretching meat. 

Imagine it is 1974, or 1976 if you are not quick enough to snag the first edition, and you see this book at the store. How quick are you going to be to add this to your cart based on the cover: 

Better Homes and Gardens Meat Stretcher Cookbook, 1974. Sometimes you can tell a book by its cover. If there are bacon wrapped tuhds on the cover and it deals with preparing food, there might be other options.
If ever there was a need to keep those little wooden spoons from those nasty little ice cream cups, it would be to one day spear olives and Calico Salisbury Steaks with a delicious sauce made of catsup (not ketchup). I'm glad my mother did not want us to save them.
If the regular cuts of meat are not aplenty, there's always organ meats. I'm looking at the sweetbreads, kidney, tripe, heart, and liver, but I cannot take my eyes off that long cow tongue.I think I would eat the filtration organs before I sliced and diced that creepy thing. I'll just eat eggs. My albumin levels are soaring as I stare at these organs. It's just too much protein.
Oh my family would really, really be surprised if I served them Corned Beef Stew. I can't say it would be a good surprise. I think it would stink up my house. There aren't enough Yankee Candle tarts to mask that.
Stuffed Baked Potatoes. I'm going to use the term "stuff" loosely. It's sliced potatoes spaced apart by SPAM slices and glued together with American cheese.
Enriched Meatloaf. Yes. That is what this is called. Not meatloaf with eggs atop it. Enriched Meatloaf. It is enriched with soy grits. I speak on behalf of my family, but I don't think they like meatloaf enough for me to cook it with anything, let alone enrich it with soy grits.
The top hunk of flesh is called "Braised Rump Roast" and the sandwiches are from "planned overs". Where and what and how was this thing braised? The entire picture is so dry that looking at it is making me choke on an imaginary piece of dry meat. If meat is supposed to settle to redistribute the juices, where are the damn juices? It's just so dry..That piddly little cup of broth isn't going to do enough.
A beefy pie of mystery. Let's just keep it a mystery.
Meatloaf potato roll up. I'm convinced it would be every bit as tasty as it looks. All it needs is a catsup (not ketchup) sauce.
Little info on TVP. I think of TVP and I imagine Taco Bell "meat".
Maggots borne from a head of lettuce.
Glazed Ham Patties. If you think making ham patties like a crabcake sounds like a plan, then this is for you. Smear some melted apple jelly atop of it and you have a meal that makes no sense.
Another perfect meat with nothing running on the sides of it. My turkey is usually in about two inches of liquid after it comes out of the oven. Serve it with a Curried Turkey Salad in a jagged canteloupe and gag away. Sigh, WHO EATS THIS SHIT? (sorry, had to get it out of my system).
These Chicken Crepes Elegante are so elegante the white sauce acts as a natural source of light.
Thought I would share all of the divine things one can do with organ meat. Scrambled brains? The only thing to ever make me gag in a movie was the scene in Hannibal where he sliced a piece of Ray Liotta's brain cooked it, and fed it to him while he was still alive.
No, this is a little too maggoty for comfort. There's no way of making rice look like rice. It has to look like wriggling little maggots in rotten flesh. Of course it probably doesn't help that I enlarged this pic to show detail. I won't imagine them flopping out of their meat safety onto the plate. I won't do that..People say I have a way with words. I say they are right.
Cheese Tomato Shortcake. Ehh..looks like pink pus atop of a sponge.
Let's go meatless!!!! Manicotti stuffed with loads of cottage cheese.
Apple Omelet. Because in some parallel universe, it's good to combine an omelet with apple compote. My tastebuds are weighing the options and they say no thank you.

Ehhhh..There were so many meat ideas in here, if I ever make it to the store, I might have to bypass the meat and do something meatless.