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Monday, August 27, 2012

Milky White Curds

Before I traumatize and trigger gag reflexes aplenty with my cottage cheese an apt descriptions, if you scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, there's a little clicky with a picture of me. Now you all can see the madness! That sweet woman with the red shirt is responsible for all of this. Who'd have thought? I don't EVER use the name "Kimmy" to describe myself. I have a cousin who does and she's the only one allowed to do so. The way that site was set up, I had to make a name. 

Anyway, for those who have been following this blog since its inception, you know there are several foods that I cannot stand: Mayonnaise, cottage cheese, and sour cream. Ranch places a close fourth. However, yogurt comes pretty close.

Why does cottage cheese disgust me so? Just look at it! Little white curd nuggets in a watery liquid. When added to lasagna it looks like an infection. For example, a woman suffering a yeast infection, one of the first signs is a watery, cottage cheese-like discharge. Why in the world would would I want to consume something that is redolent of a yeast infection? For the men out there who read this, it's a bit of an exaggeration. I worked in OB/GYN and I'm a woman and I can assure you, that few women has ever actually excreted cottage cheese-like curds from their lady bits. I will spare the details. 

Creative Cooking with Cottage Cheese, 1958ish.
Look at this 1950's housewife. Her arms extended, scoop extended proudly and a palette of cottage cheese in the other hand. A wonderfully proud smile on her 1950's housewife face and her culinary creations below her. She has conquered the world of creamy white and refreshing cottage cheese and there's no stopping her!
Cottage-Borsch Cracker Dip. It's pink which could be seen as something sweet until the ingredients are read. In 2012, a "teeners" special dunk has a whole new meaning. I think the Blushing Pink Chip Dip is embarrassed. Hence the blush. I would be too.
Yankees, enjoy this. You own it. Love the Rice Krispies crust by the way.
A nice hot pot of spaghetti just yearning for a sauce to cover it. What do you decide to make? Cottage Cheese-Herb Sauce. Italians everywhere are shaking their fists in anger. Good job sparky. Just piss off an entire country by insulting spaghetti.
Scrambled eggs. Simple. Eggs, maybe a splash of milk, salt, pepper. I personally despise cheese in my eggs. Should I be served a plate of scrambled eggs with the mentioned spices, I may reject that idea. Should I be served scrambled eggs with small curd cottage cheese, I may throw it at you. Just know you have been warned. Don't f--k with my eggs.
Or in other circles: Broke food. Or if you really want to be a snark, call it trailer food.
One must question their destination if they intend to carry this along. When I brown ground beef, I usually use a couple tablespoons of butter too. What are the point of arteries? They are just tubes that carry oxygenated blood to your vital organs. Who cares if they become clogged!
Spinach Pudding. Those two words do not mesh well. Spinach and cottage cheese does not a pudding make! Cold enough that the butter does not melt. Gag, gag, and gag again.
These two recipes REQUIRE pictures. It can't end this way! 
 Yes this was short. Yes it was most definitely sweet. Sometimes a brief post is better than drawing this out. Add to it the fact there are only 23 pages. 

The next time someone wants to eat cottage cheese, heed my warning. Let the description of female problems permeate your soul. 


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