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Friday, August 24, 2012

Microwave BS and crumbs.

Microwave cooking again! For those just stopping by, this is not the first jab at the nuke-in-a-box, nor will it be the last. I have raised the BS flag once and I have raised it twice and it's being raised again! 

That little wussy thing we have in our kitchens that we call a microwave? Pshaw! It's nothing more than an appliance that heats, reheats, and pops. If you don't require a leaded room and an apron to cover your naughty bits, then you aren't really a microwave. Can a meal be prepared in 30 minutes or less? This book says it can. For the record, in the time it took me to scan and crop, I could have made a seven course meal by this 30 minute standard. 

Litton Microwave Dinners in Half an Hour, Volume 5, 1980. Apparently Litton didn't last because I never hear of this company. What is most intriguing is that there were four books before this one and more after this one. For the record, I did not pay $9.97 at KMart for this. I think I paid 50 cents at a thrift store. 
The countdown with random numbers is riveting. What happens after 16:45? I need to know!!
See what makes it happen so fast? The faster-than-light meat whacking and stirring. Since I opened myself up to those with a dirty mind, I'm going to proceed to the next picture.

For successful microwave dinners in half an hour, you need crumbs and lots of crumbs. Plus things to make more crumbs. In the refrigerator, it's going to be so stuffed with ingredients there will be no room for leftovers. Who wants to reheat something that originated in a microwave? I think I remember when tater tots came in a box and not a bag.

The need for crumbs cannot be overstressed here. All but the tuhds and weenies have crumbs, lots of crumbs.
The brussels sprouts knew their fate was sealed as they watched in awe at the giant meat hovered over them.

Maybe I am thinking too deep into the art of microwave cooking in half an hour or less, but if I want a sauce, I kind of want it to dribble on top of the meat. I don't want it to be the consistency of gelatin. A microwave with a grilling rack. See what we were up against?
This is realistically what a hamburger patty would look like on the inside if prepared in a microwave. They just can't shake the parsley garnish of the previous decades. Old habits die hard.
One thing I can say about rice. At first it does look like rice. But if I say it looks like maggots, that's what it's going to look like. Maggots. Wriggling maggots.
Spinach Lasagna. The funny thing about lasagna, is that it usually has noodles in it. This has crumbs in the recipe. Plus two cups of creamed cottage cheese. Maybe this should have been a layered something or other. Those are coming up.
Veal with sour cream sauce. I'm going to shudder once, think of gagging, and move on.

Lamb Meatballs with Dill Sauce. Sometimes I can read the ingredients and think that it sounds normal. But then I see the picture and my mind reconsiders.
This lamb burger is showing some honesty. If anyone has ever put a slice of cheese in the microwave, it wrinkles but seldom melts. Bacon doesn't crisp in the microwave. Unless it's precooked, it usually is just a fatty, limp, sad piece of something special.
For those who can photograph food to make it look artistic, great. However, a piece of sausage just doesn't seem like it needs an extreme close up. Does anyone want to see the chunks of lips and assholes and can consent to eating it?
WRONG! BS FLAG ALERT!!! Anyone with a sane mind knows that a hot dog is not going to cook in the microwave without being punctured or even scored. Nothing is better than an exploding weenie in the nuke-in-a-box. More sad, wrinkly cheese. It covers the franks while they spoon lovingly on a toast point as they are doused with catsup (not ketchup).
Yeah okay, throw another lie out there. Has anyone ever breaded chicken in the microwave and cooked it? What about reheating nuggets? Do they look golden brown and crisp? I didn't think so. Thanks for playing and for those who bought this series, there is a sucker born every minute.
This could be a severed limb coated with slivered almonds and mushrooms. Or it could be a mutation from the gamma rays and it's off to consume humanity.
Well, well, well..New spin on an old classic. A salmon ring with frozen mixed vegetables and a warmed catsup (not ketchup) sauce. I bet the microwave and everything else cooked in it smells like salmon.
Mexican lasagna. Yes, that is right. Because it would be stupid to just call it a casserole or something. Noodles are absent from said lasagna. I understand that Litton was trying to change the culinary food, but lasagna without noodles has yet to gain popularity. Even those health conscious who won't eat noodles use zucchini or something to at least act like the noodles. It shall be known as corn chip and shit concoction casserole.
I'm going to ignore this swiss egg and focus on the rubbery cheese. No, I can't forget it. Who thinks this would work? Cooking 8 eggs in the microwave and expecting them to scramble right? Maybe I just suck and haven't embraced the beauty behind having my own little nuclear (not nucular) reactor in my kitchen.

Two different takes on meatloaf. The top one, with it's parsley merkin and rubbery cheesey swirl or the messy looking sliced tuhd with bacon wrapped around it? Decisions, Decisions. Maybe plop it over a bed of maggots and the decision can be made for you.
Not even the maggots want this shitty excuse for beef stroganoff.

What's for dinner tonight? Layered Casserole or I'm going to kick it up a notch and make Four Layer Dinner. Or maybe I'll just not go through the 30 minute effort. Didn't Domino's used to deliver in 30 minutes?
Creamed Spinach. It's just so white. It almost goes back to the days when food was just so white.
 This might have been long winded. I know. I won't apologize for it. Every now and then a book comes around that just needs to be shown in all its glory. I'm still not buying the lie that these meals were completed in 30 minutes or less. 

If there is anyone who has cooked meals like this in a microwave or has eaten them, Please feel free to comment! I love a good comment. 

My 50th post is next. It's been an interesting and somewhat disgusting time. Keep reading, keep enjoying, and if anyone has any ideas about what I can do for the magical #50, please submit either via email or comment.

Thanks for the constant inspiration. 



  1. I remember back in the day when we got our first Microwave. It was this giant Magic Chef and the in thing to do was to make microwave meals. My mother used to cook tilapia in there all the time. You can imagine what that was like. Plus, we grew up in the spice-averse Midwest. :)

  2. I grew up in the Midwest too so I know how untested my tastebuds are. My mom had one with dials and wooden paneling. She bought the accessories with good intentions, had a few books, and might have tried a few recipes. The replacement was a microwave/toaster/toaster oven. I remember making and burning pizza rolls when I came home from school.