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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

38 Ways to Tout Carnation Evaporated Milk

After a brief break, I have returned. My previous Pillsbury post was one of my most popular so I'm inspired to do the same with Betty Crocker. In the meantime, here's an interesting little booklet that I picked apart.

Evaporated Milk. The greatest invention since, well I don't know because I've honestly never given evaporated milk much attention. Apparently I am missing out on the culinary world's greatest secret! At least that's what this 23 page book that gives 38 Answers to What's Cooking? This is trickery I tell you. There's nothing on the cover to indicate what product is being overly hyped. After looking through this book, evaporated milk will remain an untapped resource for me. 

38 Answers to What's Cooking? 1961. This could have been titled better with proper punctuation marks and maybe some capital letters. It just doesn't flow. Maybe some quotation marks would work so it looks like this: 38 Answers to "What's Cooking?"

A penny. If I cooked 1,000 interesting, healthful, appetizing (and thrifty meals) a year and someone in my family asked that 1,000 times, I would get $10. One cannot put a price on annoying and repetitive questions and enduring that would be worth more than 10 cans of Carnation Evaporated Milk to feed my never filled growing children. Truly, I feel sorry for women of that era. Who wants to make a constant supply of "show off" meals? I'm hesitating to use these 38 ideas.

Chicken pieces and horse glue. Reason #1 out of 38 why I won't take this too serious. Wouldn't there be some color to the cooking liquid from the melting chicken fat even if the cooking liquid happened to be evaporated milk?

Stare deep into the olive eyeballs. Go ahead. Stare. That's it. You can see the depths of the soul in this sandwich and it is troubled. Help it.
What this part has to do with this book, I do not know. There is nothing evaporated or milky about it. However, I am going to apply the "lady rule" to anything that involves 25 lbs. I have a frame to keep without strain. Or this could be cleverly disguised as a way to have "accidents" with the "dandy" husband so "friend" husband and scary 1961 housewife can live in evaporated milk laden bliss. This seems more convincing than pulling the safety conscious wife card. 
Seriously, this is one of the most disgusting recipes I have seen and I've seen a lot. Do people from that era get a hankering for a frypan toastwich and make this late at night?
No need to get out that fine chafing dish. Of course it is made with Carnation. Lots of Carnation. Lots of undiluted Carnation. In 2012, we would probably just call this a shit fondue. For this is the milk that is evaporated to the consistency of golden country cream. Or we can just call it shitty milk and American cheese fondue.
I did not scan the recipe for basic meat mixture. Melted shortening, evaporated milk meatballs sound healthy. There's a lot of catsup (not ketchup) in this. Basically what would be in baked beans mixed in with two cans of baked beans.
Ordinary milk just won't do! It must be evaporated using Carnation's secret hush hush method. If you are using ordinary milk, you are wrong! Just WRONG! Is this supposed to be showing the differences? If it is, then it's a fail. One's darker than the other. Ooh.
This is what it comes down to in the grand scheme of things. Ask 1,000 times a year "What's cooking?" don't be surprised to see shiny ass beans and hot dogs. Sure she will be home by 10, probably drunk and sobbing at how she gets asked "What's cooking?" and it all amounts to $10.00 a year. Really, that was a very polite letter compared to what I would have said about the sad situation. I don't think I would even polish the beans.
All this for an hour's shopping? I bet that babysitter never wants to return. The overzealous helicopter mother spends two hours explaining what do do when the little one wakes up just starving. I'll threaten my older ones about babysitter respect in private, thank you. I'll leave enough clothes out for a month. And she better keep her grubby little texting fingers off my phonograph! It could be the longest and saddest hour in the life of this babysitter. Good plug on the Carnation Evaporated Milk formula. That must be where the leftover evaporated milk goes. In the baby's bottle.

Really, what woman wants to face friend husband in the morning if she doesn't have enough coffee? You don't want to make friend husband mad. A lot of work was put into making dandy husband's death look like an accident. Friend husband must be pleased. When friend husband calls at 4:30 you better be damned sure you make two extra servings.

All there is to know about Carnation Evaporated Milk I learned in 23 pages. 


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