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Monday, July 9, 2012

Blending crap to make crap.

Who doesn't own a blender? Who doesn't own a food processor? Better yet, who owns a blender and food processor and lets it sit on the counter, being moved only if milk or something spills under it?

That's because YOU do NOT have a blender of the 1970s. Forget paying hundreds for a Vitamix. Nope. I have a fairly high end KitchenAid blender which is used for smoothies only. Frozen fruit, juice concentrate, milk, a little cream, honey, and a banana. It's my 4th blender. I've had a cheapo from Wal Mart that the glass pitcher cracked, a decent Food Network blender but blew out the motor, and a Cuisinart that suffered the same fate. 

I would have NEVER thought to use my blender in the manner depicted in this book I found today. After going through it, I still will NEVER think to use my blender in the manner depicted in this book I found today. It's smoothies only for me. 

Don't be fooled though. My BS flags were on high alert. There's recipes but they are merely suggestions. Make the sauce or gravy. After all, that is what a blender is intended for, right? 

Better Homes and Gardens Blender Cookbook, 1971. After looking through this book, I still don't know how to make leftovers appetizing. Another topic for another day and yes I have a book!
Take a guess at what the two things that the blender is used for in this recipe? No, the tostada and HUGE pepper is not the answer. Guacamole and very watery hot sauce. That glass. Oh that glass! I can see myself dribbling the contents down my shirt.
Blender Cucumber Salad. Where is the cucumber? Well yes, since this is a blender book, it has been blended to bits and added to the lemon jello. I'm weighing the taste options on my tongue and at no time does this combination seem doable.
What should go on top of those morbidly obese asparagus stalks? A BLENDER Hollandaise! Duh! They just look so flaccid. Grab them with the tongs and they will wilt under the grip, dripping blender hollandaise everywhere.
Cheese sauced meatloaf and real green brussels sprouts. I don't know if the cheese is really melted or if I can lift it up and slap someone in the face with it. Seems kind of rubbery. The only thing being made in the blender is the cheese sauce. You might have to get your hands greasy forming a loaf.
I'm not going to sugar coat this. What I see in the above picture is steaming rolls of crap. That's right.  It looks like someone had corn two days ago and dropped a deuce on a plate. End of discussion. I just asked my son what they look like and he said "turds". Even a 5 year old can see shit for what it is.
I think this whole idea of Crispy Parmesan chicken would be a lot less complicated if it involved a few cups of Panko bread crumbs, Parmesan cheese, miscellaneous spices, and a ziploc bag. There's no need to mash croutons in a blender! Bonus is that the bag can be thrown away instead of breaking down a blender just for bread crumbs. I make mine that normal way and never did I think it would be easier to just use the blender to mix the breading.
That's right! You can make bread in your blender. Golden crusty loaves of soft warm bread. Oh what was that? It's just to incorporate the wet ingredients and the dry ingredients? It doesn't actually make a loaf? Eh, my recipe is easier too. I'll save my blender for their sole intention: Smoothies.
Snow capped pate. I don't have the right punctuation so pate is what it's going to be. Chicken livers, spices, butter, etc in a mold with cream cheese snow capping this. I don't think I will ever make a smoothie in my blender if I tainted it with pate.
More strange stuff to shove in a green pepper! This time it's bacon blue or deviled dip. You better use the blender for it. That's what this book is about. Blending crap to make crap!
Somehow I have a feeling these will present themselves in a another Better Homes and Gardens cookbook with different directions on the method of cooking. For now it's BLENDER MAGIC!
This was short and to the point. There's not much that can be said about using a blender for things. I imagine it is an invaluable kitchen gadget when used appropriately. 

For now, it will be smoothies. 

Until next time!! 


  1. Smoothies and protein shakes. I have a Ninja that comes with a ton of recipes and I still only use it for smoothies and protein shakes.
    Half the stuff you listed made me sick to my stomach. Kinda glad I was a poor 80's kid!