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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Live, Laugh, Love, Party, Entertain..I think.

Yes, another entry about retro parties. I have a lot of books about them. Just reading them is too much work so I can only imagine the stress the hostess had planning these things.

My memories of these types of parties consists of very little. My parents rarely hosted them and if they did, my sisters and I were confined to our bedrooms while they laughed and smoked and did whatever late into the night. If they went to one, we were usually playing with their kids or confined to their bedrooms while they laughed and smoked and did whatever late into the night.

Basically I am just going to imagine NONE of the glitz, glamour, and food of the days gone by. Instead, I am going to remember playing house or barbies with my sister. Those are better memories anyway. 

 I forgot to take off the price tag when I scanned this book. The $2.98 plus 8.13% sales tax was well worth it. The weird cats running around Nine Lives Books was also worth the finds of that day. 

Better Homes and Gardens Guide to Entertaining, 1969
Three reasons why I would suck at party hosting. Hospitality, good food, and people. People--the most important ingredient hostess sure sucks as a host because she won't let anyone sit on that plastic coated chair. Hopefully the food is good because said hostess gets an F so far.
Blood, sweat, tears, anger, determination were all put into this. I'm not talking about the candles arranged just right or the mountains of food. That hair helmet probably took longer than anything.
Looks like the hideous pea salmon ring decided to show itself once again. Look at the pink claws on the hand model. One scratch and your flesh will putrefy into a dank smelling infection that may cause a loss of at least one important limb. Careful guys!
When a hostess doesn't want to really go the extra mile, a baked Tuna Helper, some cool whip and jello and a salad made of canned oranges and lettuce ought to impress the masses. Remember the three things about good hostessing! Are all three criteria met? F!
Nothing quite says 1960s party like a little goblet full of cigarettes instead of snacks. Is that a board game or the molecular structure of margarine?
A little taste of Mexico right from your own kitchen? Sure! Just count on the guests being utter morons with zero knowledge of Mexican food outside a tortilla.
Red sky at night, a sailor's delight. Red sky at morning, a sailor's warning. Where am I going with this? Look at the bacteria ridden chunks of meat living happily next to raw vegetables. No matter how hot those brass cookers get, it's so disgusting and so dirty I would rather eat that poisonous looking plant in the bottom picture. The end result is the same! Cramps, diarrhea, grips, discomfort, vomiting, dehydration. Possible organ failure and death. The hostess with the mostest needs some food handling education! Exhaling...F++++
While this guy builds a fire, sand gets kicked into the canteloupe, a dog hikes his leg on the picnic basket, seagulls ravage the grill, ants coat the tomatoes and green peppers. Later he will make a comment about sand in the vagina and get punched in the face.
Unless your last name is Griswold, you have no business even trying this on the hatch of the family Truckster. P.S. Check to see if the dog is not attached to the bumper.
Gil and his family are not being cooked.Gil will return in further pictures. He's been crapped on, wrapped in lemons, had his eye covered with an olive. 'Aint no frying pan gonna stop him. For those of you who are just checking this blog, Gil is the retro food fish model.
This is supposed to be a Scandinavian theme but the center piece looks like I handed my son his tinker toys and asked him to build something cool. He's a talented little chap. 
Would somebody please take Grandpa back to his bedroom? He's trying to eat the plastic fruit and plastic plants. Who left the door unlocked anyway?
Scored testicles must be all the rage back then because I see there are two pictures with them. Putting them on top of a coffee cake ring seems a little tasteless though.
The liquid in the glass HAS to be what happens to aspic or molds that do not set. I cannot think of any other reason to have that much chunkage in a glass. Better luck next time! But kind of demeaning to tell the guests it's chunky punch. F squared to the second power!
There's a fine line between imaginative and disturbing and this hostess crossed it with the flat people holding silverware. It's not cute and not creative but the inner workings of a mad woman.Who in their sane mind is actually going to pry the fork from those little arms?
While the ladies in the back sip coffee and talk about the lady in the red dress, her BFF discreetly passes her a "mother's little helper". She's not reaching for lemons.
It's the return of the teenager's worst nightmare of a party and the Pickle Sickles.
Double double toil and trouble, fire burn, and cauldron bubble. Think long and hard before you dip your meat into this potion. You might turn into a gopher or something.
As if being seated at the kiddie table with overripe bananas and fake grapes wasn't humiliating enough. As if entrusting the only girl to serve canned tomato soup to a bunch of towheaded and unimpressed boys wasn't enough, someone's mother thought it would be real cute to put her daughter and son in little sailor outfits. Look at that poor boy! The mother deserves a whack in the head for this because he is being ridiculed in a blog 43 years later by someone who went into a used bookstore in Texas and found what probably got his ass kicked while he was growing up. Little boy in the sailor suit, I humbly apologize. But it had to be done! I hope your mom agent didn't spend your royalty money on perms and a boob job.
Really innovative to have a mountain of red onions and candles to make that creepy glowing effect. What exactly is the theme here? The red onions do not match the tablecloth or napkins and I'm surprised Better Homes and Gardens allowed this faux pas. Shame, shame, shame. Really, I wouldn't be surprised to see rusted chains with bloody cuffs hanging overhead.
This was shown in a previous blog entry. The caption says this is a "handsome" cake. No, this is a display of a man who let his wife run things for 25 years and always got her way. There's nothing "handsome" about pink, pink, pink, and more pink. Run away while you still have a chance!
The mean little doll is going to watch every bite being chewed and listen for the food being digested.
Well I am all partied out for now. After this, I will never wonder what happened when we were whisked to bed early and threatened if we dared to get up to go to the bathroom. I would rather remember the simple things. This grown up party stuff is too complicated. 

Until next time!!! 

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